Monday, April 20, 2015

for/from/to n.

We forge - in the velvety night chill,
garbage trucks rumbling, our rickety house
shuddering with the wind -
a fragility, breath snorting as we cry.
The body remembers,
you say. We clutch, hold on.
The body remembers even if I don't.

Friday, April 17, 2015

toronto in the spring sunshine is infectious

I'm sitting in high park library, facing Roncesvalles avenue, a happy haven of hipster-yuppie activity on the best of days. Across the street in front of CIBS, a boy begins to set up instruments. He puts out a yellow and black top hat first, and set up a drum set - big drum, snare and cymbals. I see a guitar too. Black shirt, black sunglasses, blond hair flying in the wind, white, white skin. He sets up his drums and he begins to play, people walk past with a look, people walk by with their heads turned away, people stop and drop a coin in the hat. A mustachioed, ginger braided man comes by to chat, and the blond boy stops playing - does the man want him to stop? Is his music too disruptive on this sunshine drenched warm day? No, after two minutes and two more drops in his hat he starts up again. It almost sounds like drum practice, just simple rhythms played again and again, with seeming effortlessness. It's a glamorous effect, this blond white boy sitting at the corner of Roncesvalles and Wright, playing the drums with his sunglasses on, without a single damn care. A sweatshirted woman walks past dancing, and he grins at her. All I can think of is, damn I'm stuck in the library, damn how do people do this with their time, and taking a picture of this and showing my friends in Delhi - omg you guys this is summer in the first world!!!

ETA: So I stepped out of the library, and crossed the road towards him. The dancing sweatshirt woman crossed me on the street, body still swaying, and her smile put a smile on my face that didn't leave for the rest of the walk back home. I walked past the drummer boy doing his exercises, squinting in the sun because of course I forgot my sunnies. And then behind me a crotchety old white man walked up to drummer boy, drummer boy held his cymbals together and tapped on them while he spoke, and crotchey man told him to stop making the noise unless he had a licence! And a cloud passed over the sun at that very moment. lollll the power of crotchety old white men

hah synergy

This morning I woke up with 'a change is gonna come' playing in my head.
Then, working at the library, I found myself downloading Spotify completely on a whim. Selected to play songs by Modest Mouse first, and then randomly clicked on the Indie genre station, then the Soul. So full of old favourites, I swayed along, and the tenth song that comes on is Sam Cooke, A Change is Gonna Come. Heh. It was a soul music kind of day I guess.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

time and my left knee

My left knee has been hurting for a few weeks now.
I hate this country. Nothing is cheap here. I can't go to the doctor to get it fixed. My union is on strike and I don't know where the money will come from. I just don't know.

My home feels unfamiliar to me all over again. This Sunday drags its feet, a sunny beautiful day outside but my knee and my back hurts and my pockets are empty.

Monday, February 23, 2015

eatprayloving

After <insert traumatic/banal but meaningful event here>, I decided that it was time for me to get to know me. Somewhere I had lost sight of me, the only constant in my life, and it was time for me to find out who I really was.

I wanted to fling myself into this endeavour. I wanted to jump into an adventure, test how I would react. I wanted to throw off all pretence, all the bullshit, be really truly naked to the world, see how I oxidised and how I didn't.

I wanted to find new ways to feel, to feel again. I wanted to search for a meaning that I could feel. I wanted to be among strangers who spoke a language I didn't understand, who looked all different from me. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to be surrounded by unfamiliarity and relearn the contours of my imagination.

I wanted to look in the mirror and see a new face, my face.

So I shaved my head and wrote a blog post about it.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

brown girl gaze

we grow towards hollywood movies and tv shows and boybands.
and then we come to the west. omg the men all look like that! so hot! so far i've messaged my friends that i've seen an edward norton, a definite mark ruffalo, a denzel washington, a nick carter without the long hair, a keanu reeves OMG.
of course soon i learnt what their returning lingering gazes mean on my brown girl body. but omg i look back at them OMG!